it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
