i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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