spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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