Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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