DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
