My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
