so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
