How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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