My nipple is on Facebook.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
