my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
