in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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