Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
