At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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