I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
