I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
