he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
