Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
