i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
