it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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