I bet he comes in French.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
