you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
