Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
