Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
