i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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