And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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