yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
