My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
