Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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