sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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