I accidentally burped into my bong.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
