I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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