WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
