Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
