actually, I'm a sock model
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
