The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
