You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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