Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
