Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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