Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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