We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
