swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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