I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
