I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
its liver damage thursday
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
