My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
