He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
