I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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