so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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