To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
