I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
