I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
