boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
