Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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