I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
