Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
