maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize