the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
