Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
