Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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