I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
