It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
